Sometimes, I feel like I lack a sense of connection when it comes to relationships (and I mean all kinds, not just boyfriend relationships). It's so difficult for me to build a decent foundation with another person. I'm not intimidating or unapproachable, and I'm actually quite easy to get along with... on the surface level.
Ask me to be your friend, I'd happily agree. Ask me to lend an ear, lend a shoulder, I'd lend all ears, all shoulders. Ask me to go hang out, sure why not. I think anyone would agree to all these. But ask me to have patience with your stupidity, your laziness, your stinginess, your rudeness, I cannot as easily do. Again, it's normal for people to find flaws in others, because everyone has them, including myself. But how far does one have to go to breach my patience altogether? Not much.
I've probably the most impatient person anyone can meet.
Five minutes late is probably the worst first impression you can give me.
Inability to the your own damn work is another factor that pushes my patience to the limit. One or twice, I'd be happy to help you out, and would expect you to do the same for me. But time after time? Then I'd feel like you're using me. That's not what friends are for. And being your friend also means not being your mom. If you're not willing to get your lazy buttocks to class, not willing to take notes and study for exams, why would I even bother?
Honestly, I don't think I will ever be able to get along with another being any deeper than the surface level. And if you're still my close friends up until now, you're probably one of few.
I typically don't like meeting new people. I'm always disappointed. They always start off as awesome people, but the more you know them and interact with them, the more you realize they're not as awesome as they were cut out to be.
The most awesome people in the beginning turn out to be the most fake people in the end.
My hands smell like the bathroom handsoap. My room is freezing.
Schoolwork keeps me sane. I hate dealing with LIFE. So many problems to deal with back at home, I almost don't want to go back and have to face them all. So many problems that shouldn't even be MY problems, but somehow always land on my shoulders. I'm 19, turning 20 in 2 months, and I'm starting to realize that the older you get, the more problems you have to deal with, and I mean other people's problems. My own problems are stressful enough. I wish my own problems were the only problems in my life.
When I'm buried in schoolwork, studying, doing homework, watching lecture videos, going to class, I feel like my brain's too busy to think about anything else. It's like drugs.
I finally realized my real purpose for coming all the way here to go to college, and that is to run away from family. As much as I love my family, I need a break from dealing with my dad's bad temper, dealing with the stress he gives me, dealing with my brother's failure at school, dealing with my mom's paranoia of me having boyfriend, dealing with the overprotection from my parents. Here, in Buffalo, I'm free. Well, not really. I'm just running away, and soon all these problems are going to catch up to me and bury me.
It's so hard to know what's the right thing to do. Is there even such thing?
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